


you cant just murder somebody on their birthday eve that is way outta line its like a huge earth taboo

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 10:14:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22848490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: It's Dave's birthday.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 45
Kudos: 225





	you cant just murder somebody on their birthday eve that is way outta line its like a huge earth taboo

tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  


TT: Happy Birthday, Dave!  
TG: oh shit  
TG: what  
TG: seriously  
TG: is that today  
TT: ...  
TT: Yes, Dave. I know the Gregorian Calendar is as dead as Pope Gregory himself, now, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still count.  
TT: It’s been exactly 234 “days” since we entered the Medium.  
TT: And since despite our ascension to godhood we still appear to be ageing, I’m embracing that counting as as good a way as any to reckon the approach of our respective birthdays.  
TG: oh fuck  
TG: our  
TG: that means yours is tomorrow  
TT: That’s how it’s proven to work up until now, yes.  
TG: fuck  
TG: i  
TG: ill get you something  
TG: i mean who am i kidding with this “get” shit what am i gonna order something on amazon  
TG: ill make you something  
TG: ill write you a song  
TG: you like rap right  
TG: yeah of course you do  
TG: everybodys always sayin that  
TG: i dont know rose lalonde that well they say  
TG: but one thing i do know for sure is the girl appreciates a good rap  
TG: she is a connoisseur  
TT: Rap can have its moments.  
TG: good cuz its gettin a moment tomorrow  
TT: I would cherish a birthday rap from you, Dave, I really would.  
TT: But seriously, don’t feel obligated to spend too much time on one.  
TG: no cmon its fine i want to  
TG: what the fuck else was i gonna do today  
TT: You didn’t have plans?  
TG: no obviously i didnt even know it was my birthday  
TG: i was just gonna dick around with karkat  
TG: if you wanna call that “plans” youre welcome to  
TT: You two aren’t much for being pinned down by labels, are you?  
TG: what labels like plans  
TT: ...  
TG: rose are you seriously gonna psychoanalyze me on my birthday this is so uncool dont i get a day off  
TT: Alright, that’s fair. I’ll change the subject.  
TG: oh yeah lets see it  
TT: Here it is. This is me, changing the subject.  
TT: Look at me go!  
TG: im looking but all im seeing is a crazy woman dancing over the poor pulpy corpse of what used to be a subject before she kicked it to death  
TT: Okay, this is actually it:  
TT: I think it’s funny.  
TG: what is  
TT: The fact that you and I are, in many conventional senses of the term, twins.  
TT: And yet we don’t share the same “birthday.”  
TG: one day tho we got pretty close  
TT: Yes. It almost makes you wonder if Skaia had a grand plan to honor our human birthday customs but, being unfamiliar with them, produced an end result that was slightly endearingly off.  
TG: oh hell no endearing?  
TG: rose im pretty sure this game just wants to assfuck us ten ways to sunday ok  
TG: it has never done anything close to “endearing”  
TT: I don’t know...  
TT: I have it on good authority that it created a vastly intricate, stable loop predicated on a giddy John gifting stuffed rabbits to Jade’s and my infant selves as he reenacted a scene from his worryingly unironic favorite film.  
TT: If that’s not to be considered endearing, I will have to seriously rethink my faith in humanity.  
TG: oh yeah faith in humanity you were just up to your headband in that til now  
TT: Apparently he was wearing a plush green suit he “found somewhere” that “fit him so great.”  
TG: ok thats pretty endearing  
TT: Not to mention the fact that this all occurred on his _actual_ , _*double*_ birthday.  
TG: fine i take it all back  
TG: skaias just a big ol softie  
TT: I’m so glad you’ve come around.  
TG: actually if were reducing the whole dead earth calendar to just “counting” these days  
TT: I admire your tenacious use of the idiom “these days” even as you dismantle our artificial reckoning of time.  
TT: Is that... gasp... _irony_ I detect?  
TG: how dare you even ask me that  
TT: Maybe I’m trying my hand at the art form myself.  
TG: sorry no room i got that shit on lock  
TG: theres a big beefy bouncer at the door  
TG: all shakin his head at the line of guidos tryna get in  
TG: theres a sign on the velvet ropes that says private function  
TG: inside its just me dancin around hoppin on chairs havin a blast like im in flashdance  
TT: Enthusiastic, seemingly unironic, location-appropriate dancing?  
TT: Surely we’ve reached the pinnacle of irony.  
TG: we sure have  
TG: so like i was saying i think just by the numbers i probably actually turned 14 a couple “days” ago  
TT: lolz 5evar @ “days”  
TG: haha oh my god maybe you can come to my irony dance party after all  
TT: I’d be honored to attend.  
TG: cool just give your name at the door  
TG: ANYWAY  
TG: i did some calculations  
TG: and the way i figure it with all that time traveling i did in the game  
TG: i was in there about three times as long as the rest of you  
TT: Oh really?  
TG: yeah  
TG: shit was exhausting  
TT: I can just imagine the energy levels of that shit.  
TG: those levels were so low  
TG: they were off the charts  
TT: Off the bottom of the charts. That’s impressive.  
TG: it was unreal  
TG: plus i had to make all my own plush green suits  
TG: wasnt nobody handin them out  
TT: Like rabbits?  
TG: exactly  
TT: Handing them out exactly not like rabbits.  
TG: thats correct thats the manner in which nobody was not handing me suits while i busted my ass through time designing my own wardrobe and making sure i bet just the right amount of money on the goddamn crocodile stock market  
TG: ...  
TG: rose  
TT: Yes, Dave?  
TG: im starting to suspect that the shit i did the game might have been really really fucking stupid  
TT: Hm. Maybe it was.  
TG: oh what the fuck thats not what youre supposed to say  
TG: god dammit lalonde youre really gonna throw down like this and agree with me on my birthday  
TG: the holiest of days that kind of already happened and that i dont give a shit about and had pretty much totally forgotten til you brought it up  
TT: I’m sorry, Dave.  
TT: But I’m not trying to be dismissive.  
TT: The truth is that even if your exploits in the game were really really fucking stupid, all evidence suggests that they were exactly the exploits you were meant to be performing.  
TG: is this some seer nonsense  
TG: i smell seer nonsense my nose is finely attuned to it  
TG: almost as finely attuned as it is to karkats quadrant nonsense  
TT: I find that very hard to believe.  
TG: yeah thats true that shit is ingrained i cant get the smell out no matter how many times i shower  
TT: Maybe you should try more frequently.  
TG: god damn  
TT: Anyway no, this isn’t as you called it “Seer nonsense.”  
TT: This is regular, garden variety nonsense.  
TG: oh shit  
TT: It’s off the rack. Non-organic.  
TG: you got me some store brand nonsense for my birthday  
TT: Yes I did, Dave.  
TG: sweet  
TG: what is it  
TT: Simply this: You’re still alive.  
TG: ...  
TG: thats it?  
TT: Er. Yes.  
TG: what cmon  
TT: Is that seriously not enough, Dave?  
TT: I thought after your many brushes with death, both your own near-misses and the direct hits of your alternate selves, you’d fully appreciate the enormity of the fact that you’ve lived to see another year.  
TG: yeah yeah its enormous  
TG: just i donno  
TG: i guess i thought maybe youd say something about a feeling in my gut or the friends we made along the way or some shit  
TT: Oh, you mean something...  
TT: Endearing?  
TG: yeah sure  
TG: endearing  
TG: why the fuck not  
TT: I didn’t think it was my place.  
TG: what  
TT: Nothing.  
TG: wait hold up  
TG: what the fuck  
TG: i think somebodys kicking my door  
TT: The birthday chat ruse was a.......  
TT: Distaction.  


tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  


TG: ?????  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]  


tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  


TT: Happy birthday, Dave.  
TT: I have the car.  


tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  


DAVE: hey dude whats-  
DAVE: oh my god  
KARKAT: UM.  
DAVE: what the fuck is that  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT LOOK LIKE, DAVE?  
DAVE: uh  
KARKAT: THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S A CAKE!  
KARKAT: NOW IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, THIS THING IS LITERALLY ON FIRE, SO DO YOU THINK YOU COULD LET ME INTO YOUR BLOCK BEFORE I SNEEZE AND LAUNCH AN ERRANT FLAME ONTO YOUR STUPID FUCKING CAPE AND ACCIDENTALLY BURN YOU TO DEATH ON YOUR OWN BIRTHDAY?  
KARKAT: I KNOW YOU’D PROBABLY JUST COME RIGHT BACK BUT I STILL THINK IT’D BE A HUGE FUCKING MOOD KILLER.  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: here set it on the desk  
DAVE: why did you  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: how  
KARKAT: I FIGURED IT HAD TO HAPPEN SOMEDAY.  
DAVE: what did  
KARKAT: YOUR FUCKING BIRTHDAY!  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: right  
KARKAT: SO I ASKED ROSE WHEN IT WAS.  
DAVE: oh my god am i seriously the only person on this meteor who didnt know today was my birthday  
KARKAT: WAIT.  
KARKAT: YOU...  
KARKAT: YOU DIDN’T KNOW?  
DAVE: honestly yeah  
DAVE: i kinda just...  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: didnt think about it  
KARKAT: FUCK!  
KARKAT: THEN IS THIS...  
KARKAT: IS THIS WEIRD?  
KARKAT: DO YOU NOT WANT-  
DAVE: no shut up karkat of course i want it  
DAVE: this is really fucking cool  
DAVE: i just  
DAVE: i thought trolls thought birthdays were stupid  
KARKAT: WE DO.  
DAVE: hahaha  
KARKAT: BUT THEY KEEP COMING UP IN HUMAN MOVIES SO I UM  
KARKAT: I FIGURED  
KARKAT: OR I GUESS I ASSUMED YOU’D  
KARKAT: UM...  
DAVE: no this is so fucking sweet karkat i cant believe you-  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: how did you  
DAVE: did you make this thing yourself?  
KARKAT: NO, I CONSCRIPTED ROSE AND KANAYA.  
DAVE: haha yeah?  
KARKAT: YEAH, I GOT THEM TO HELP ME FIGURE OUT THE HUMAN INGREDIENTS.  
DAVE: oh fuck wait you actually made this thing from scratch  
KARKAT: YEAH, WE ALCHEMIZED ALL THE DIFFERENT PARTS.  
KARKAT: AND THEN YOU KNOW...  
KARKAT: COOKED IT.  
DAVE: oh my god karkat you cooked me a cake  
KARKAT: I MEAN, ROSE AND KANAYA HELPED.  
DAVE: yeah i bet they did all the work while you bitched and got in the way  
KARKAT: THAT IS NOT AT *ALL* WHAT HAPPENED!  
DAVE: sure  
KARKAT: JUST ASK THEM!  
DAVE: haha i definitely will  
DAVE: oh my god this is-  
KARKAT: FUCK!!  
DAVE: what??  
KARKAT: WE TALKED TOO LONG AND THE GODDAMN FUCKING FLAME BEETLES WENT OUT!  
DAVE: the what  
KARKAT: THE- THE CANDLES!  
DAVE: oh shit  
KARKAT: FUCK! KANAYA HAS THE LIGHTER!  
KARKAT: SHIT.  
KARKAT: WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?  
KARKAT: I GUESS I SHOULD ASK HER TO COME BACK...  
DAVE: hey no its fine  
DAVE: they were just gonna go out anyway  
KARKAT: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO FUCKING BLOW THEM OUT!  
DAVE: naw its cool thats just for kids  
KARKAT: REALLY?  
DAVE: yeah im 14 now im basically officially an adult  
KARKAT: ...YOU ARE?  
DAVE: ok maybe not by conventional earth standards  
DAVE: but you know what i survived the apocalypse AND a suicide mission  
DAVE: also due to time shenanigans i think im technically older than jade now and thus the oldest living human in existence  
DAVE: so yeah what the fuck im doin it im claiming adult status i dont need to make a wish you dont gotta get kanaya  
KARKAT: YOU’RE SURE.  
DAVE: yeah dude  
KARKAT: OK.  
DAVE: holy shit a real human cake  
DAVE: or fuck you know what i mean  
DAVE: obviously its not made out of humans  
DAVE: at least i seriously hope not like i was JUST talkin to rose so thatd be pretty fucking weird if she was already in cake form  
KARKAT: NO, IT’S NOT FUCKING MADE OUT OF HUMANS!  
DAVE: haha yeah thatd be wild  
DAVE: i mean like  
DAVE: you made it out of human ingredients  
KARKAT: UM.  
KARKAT: MOSTLY.  
DAVE: oh no karkat mostly what the hell does mostly mean  
KARKAT: WELL WE HAD MOST OF THE RIGHT INGREDIENTS.  
KARKAT: BUT UM.  
KARKAT: IT TURNS OUT WE DIDN’T HAVE HUMAN FLOUR.  
DAVE: oh shit i think thats a big one  
KARKAT: IT’S OK!  
KARKAT: WE HAD AN ALTERNIAN SUBSTITUTE THAT’S BASICALLY AN EXACT EQUIVALENT.  
DAVE: oh yeah?  
KARKAT: YEAH!  
DAVE: ...is it bugs  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: its bugs karkat isnt it  
KARKAT: DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT.  
DAVE: welp ok mystery solved its definitely bugs  
KARKAT: FUCK!  
KARKAT: I’M SORRY!  
DAVE: what no its fine  
DAVE: i mean the part that still gets to me is the legs and if its like flour its prolly all ground up anyway right  
KARKAT: YEAH, OF COURSE IT’S FUCKING GROUND UP!  
KARKAT: HOW THE FUCK ELSE WOULD YOU MAKE GRUB MEAL?  
DAVE: haha grub meal jesus i wish you hadnt told me dude i definitely coulda guessed that one on my own  
KARKAT: SIGH.  
DAVE: so ok this cake is held together with a delicious protein rich grubby paste  
DAVE: any other surprises  
KARKAT: UM.  
KARKAT: YEAH, THE UH-  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: holy shit are those  
DAVE: are those bug candles  
KARKAT: THEY’RE FLAME BEETLES.  
DAVE: oh my god of course they are  
KARKAT: YEAH, I’M SORRY.  
KARKAT: ROSE DIDN’T HAVE ANY HUMAN CANDLES EITHER.  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: rose and kanaya told you they didnt have human candles  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DAVE: dude have you ever been in their respite block  
KARKAT: ?  
DAVE: that place is goddamn COVERED in candles  
DAVE: its like a fucking church in there  
DAVE: its part of their “thing”  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD.  
DAVE: i mean honestly bug candles would fit in PERFECTLY with their whole spooky goth old world vampire aesthetic i dont know why they didnt go for that from the start  
DAVE: but i know for a FACT there are hella human candles up in that bitch  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT YOU’RE RIGHT!  
KARKAT: WHAT THE *FUCK??*  
KARKAT: WHY WERE THEY HOLDING OUT ON ME???  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: oh my god  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: oh fuck  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS IT, DAVE??  
DAVE: oh boy  
DAVE: ok um  
DAVE: dont get mad  
KARKAT: DAVE...  
DAVE: hahaha ok its hard i know  
DAVE: but uh try anyway please  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: ok there is a small chance  
DAVE: and by that i mean this is almost definitely a hundred percent what happened  
DAVE: that rose thought your super sweet bday gesture was a little too on the money  
DAVE: so she kinda  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: amped up the endearing alien attributes  
DAVE: by uh  
DAVE: lying to you about what human ingredients she had  
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD!  
DAVE: yeah dude i think she made you craft a cake chimera  
DAVE: an unholy creation trapped between universes  
DAVE: for you know  
DAVE: maximum cuteness  
KARKAT: THAT FUCKING *ASSHOLE!*  
DAVE: haha oh no  
KARKAT: I CAME TO HER IN *GOOD FUCKING FAITH!*  
DAVE: yeah man i know  
KARKAT: SHE LOOKED ME DEAD IN THE FUCKING EYE, DAVE!  
KARKAT: AND SHE TOLD ME SHE DIDN’T HAVE HUMAN CANDLES!  
DAVE: yeahhh  
KARKAT: OR FLOUR!  
KARKAT: THAT FUCKING GLOBE-SKEWERING THUNDER-GOUGING DOG-FLINGING MEDDLESOME *FUCK!*  
KARKAT: SON OF A *BITCH* I BET SHE HAS FLOUR TOO!  
KARKAT: SHE’S PROBABLY JUST ROLLING AROUND IN A FUCKING MOUNTAIN OF FLOUR RIGHT NOW GIGGLING TO HERSELF DOING THE *FUCKING* BACKSTROKE!  
KARKAT: SO EVERY TIME HER ARM SWINGS AROUND SHE CAN FUCKING *PAT HERSELF ON THE BACK* FOR THIS AMAZING HILARIOUS CRAFTY *CHUCKLEBOMB* SHE JUST DROPPED ON ME!  
DAVE: yeah i mean i wouldnt rule it out  
KARKAT: I’M GONNA KILL HER!  
KARKAT: I AM ACTUALLY GOING TO MURDER ROSE LALONDE!  
DAVE: cmon dude you cant  
DAVE: its her birthday tomorrow  
DAVE: you cant just murder somebody on their birthday eve karkat  
DAVE: that is way outta line its like a huge earth taboo  
KARKAT: I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT EARTH TABOOS, DAVE!  
KARKAT: I MEAN I TRIED! I WADED GLOBES DEEP INTO THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE MORASS THAT IS HUMAN DECORUM FOR THIS!  
KARKAT: I TRIED MY FUCKING *DAMNEDEST* TO CARE, AND LOOK WHAT THAT GOT ME!  
KARKAT: IT GOT ME FUCKING SABOTAGED!!!  
DAVE: ok i mean it was kind of a dick move sure  
DAVE: but you gotta admit it is a little funny  
DAVE: and lets be honest it IS hella endearing  
KARKAT: NO IT’S FUCKING NOT!  
KARKAT: I JUST WANTED TO DO SOMETHING FUCKING NICE FOR YOU!  
KARKAT: SOMETHING THAT WOULD REMIND YOU OF HOME!  
KARKAT: AND ROSE HAD TO PLAY THE FUCKING *ALIEN* CARD??  
DAVE: im sorry dude  
KARKAT: IT’S NOT YOUR FUCKING FAULT, DAVE!  
KARKAT: YOU’RE NOT THE ONE WHO FUCKING USED ME!  
DAVE: oh boy  
KARKAT: I DID MY RESEARCH!!  
KARKAT: I KNEW *EXACTLY* WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO!!  
KARKAT: AND YOUR FUCKING “SISTER” AND HER FUCKING *MATESPRIT* HOARDED ALL THEIR FUCKING FLOUR AND CANDLES AND COBBLED IT INTO A WAXY, DUSTY BLUNDERBUSS AND SHOT ME RIGHT IN THE FUCKING FOOT WITH IT!!!!  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD!  
KARKAT: KANAYA!!!  
KARKAT: HOW FUCKING *DARE* SHE??  
KARKAT: SHE SHOULD BE BETTER THAN THIS!!!!  
DAVE: oh my god dude calm down  
DAVE: its fine  
DAVE: it was super fucking nice i love it i dont even care about the bugs  
DAVE: youve made me eat so many by now im totally used to it  
DAVE: look  
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD, DAVE!  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: YOU CAN’T EAT THAT!  
DAVE: what why not  
KARKAT: BECAUSE THAT’S A FUCKING FLAME BEETLE, THAT’S WHY!  
DAVE: um  
KARKAT: YOU’RE EATING A CANDLE, DAVE!  
KARKAT: FOR FUCK’S SAKE!  
DAVE: i donno man its pretty good  
KARKAT: SPIT IT THE FUCK OUT!  
KARKAT: I AM NOT GONNA LET YOU FUCKING *DIE* EATING *MY* CAKE BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO FUCKING STUPID NOT TO EAT THE FUCKING *FLAME BEETLES!!*  
DAVE: dude this is what you get when you make everything outta bugs  
DAVE: its prolly fine i CANNOT be the first person to make this mistake  
KARKAT: YOU’RE DEFINITELY THE FIRST PERSON WHO’S NOT A WIGGLER!  
KARKAT: AND YEAH, THERE’S A PRETTY GOOD FUCKING CHANCE THEY ALL JUST POISONED THEMSELVES AND DIED!  
KARKAT: THAT’S JUST HOW SHIT WORKED.  
DAVE: damn  
DAVE: well fine just point me to a part of this cake i actually CAN eat and ill go to town on it bro  
KARKAT: YOU CAN LITERALLY EAT ANY PART EXCEPT THE ONE YOU JUST SHOVED IN YOUR MOUTH, DAVE.  
DAVE: haha well ok then  
DAVE: what are we even doing here dude  
DAVE: cut me off a slice  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: OH FUCK.  
DAVE: haha oh my god  
DAVE: karkat  
DAVE: you didnt bring a knife did you  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD THIS IS SUCH A FUCKING DISASTER!  
DAVE: no hey no its not a disaster  
DAVE: its ok  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: i guess i could uh  
DAVE: ...use my sword  
DAVE: it prolly doesnt really count if im just swingin it at baked goods  
KARKAT: OH FUCK!  
KARKAT: NO!  
KARKAT: STOP! YOU DON’T HAVE TO!  
KARKAT: HERE, I CAN DO IT.  
DAVE: oh hey the sickles  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: thanks man  
KARKAT: YEAH OF COURSE.  
DAVE: ha  
DAVE: sickle cut cake  
DAVE: just like they did it in the wheat fields of feudal russia  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: naw who am i kidding i dont think they were big into birthday cakes  
DAVE: they prolly just got to gaze upon the town beet for five minutes once a year  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, DAVE?  
DAVE: dont worry about it man  
DAVE: cmon give me a piece  
KARKAT: HERE YOU GO.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: oh my god  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
DAVE: karkat this is actually really fucking good  
KARKAT: IT IS?  
DAVE: yeah im serious man its great  
DAVE: try some  
KARKAT: HUH.  
KARKAT: THIS ACTUALLY *IS* PRETTY GOOD.  
DAVE: yeah whatd i tell you  
DAVE: mm  
DAVE: the grub meals really comin through  
KARKAT: UGGGGHHH.  
DAVE: no hey stop  
DAVE: im just messing with you dude  
DAVE: this is awesome 10 outta 10 best birthday cake i ever had hands down  
KARKAT: THERE’S NO FUCKING WAY THAT’S TRUE DAVE.  
KARKAT: IT’S MADE OUT OF BUGS.  
KARKAT: AND YOU ATE A FUCKING CANDLE.  
DAVE: no it totally is i swear  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF CAKES WERE YOU EATING ON EARTH?  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: none  
KARKAT: ...OH  
DAVE: yeah i never got a birthday cake  
KARKAT: OH SHIT.  
DAVE: this is my first one  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD, OH FUCK.  
KARKAT: DAVE, I’M SO SORRY!  
DAVE: what why  
KARKAT: I DIDN'T EVEN THINK...  
KARKAT: OF COURSE, I SHOULD HAVE FUCKING THOUGHT OF THAT!  
KARKAT: I’M SUCH AN ASSHOLE!  
DAVE: no hey hey its fine  
KARKAT: NO, IT’S NOT! I JUST MADE YOU THINK ABOUT YOUR FUCKING CHILDHOOD AGAIN, AND ON YOUR FUCKING BIRTHDAY, TOO!  
DAVE: hey man oh no  
DAVE: shh  
DAVE: seriously its ok  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: ok i realize this is kinda just fuel for your whole self flagellation routine here but whatever im just gonna point out anyway that ruining my birthday is pretty much not a thing you can do ok  
KARKAT: FUUUCK!  
DAVE: wow yep called that one  
DAVE: no but really karkat  
DAVE: i know sometimes i get weird about this stuff but thats on me ok  
DAVE: not you  
DAVE: and you cant just not do nice things because youre worried its gonna remind me how i used to not have nice things ok  
DAVE: that is so stupid and an incredibly backwards way of thinking  
DAVE: you know what i mean  
KARKAT: ...YEAH I GUESS THAT MAKES SENSE.  
DAVE: and this is such a nice thing dude  
DAVE: seriously  
DAVE: i love it  
DAVE: i cant believe you did this for me  
KARKAT: ...ROSE AND KANAYA BASICALLY DID ALL OF IT.  
DAVE: yeah but it was your idea right  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DAVE: and i bet you bitched at them a LOT to make sure they got it just right  
KARKAT: ...YEAH.  
KARKAT: I REALLY DID.  
DAVE: haha i knew it  
KARKAT: YOU ACTUALLY LIKE IT?  
DAVE: dude i love it this is all im gonna eat today im gonna get so fucking sick and its all your fault  
DAVE: thank you  
KARKAT: YOU'RE WELCOME.  
DAVE: :)  
KARKAT: (:B  
DAVE: now you wanna write a birthday rap for rose with me  
DAVE: i kinda promised her one  
DAVE: i was gonna do somethin from the heart but since she pulled this cake shit im thinkin we go REAL from heart  
DAVE: just lay on the sincerity extra thick  
DAVE: shes gonna hate it  
KARKAT: OH, I CAN BE *SO* FUCKING SINCERE.  
DAVE: i know you can dude thats why i need you  
DAVE: youre my secret weapon  
DAVE: rose isnt gonna know what fuckin hit her  
KARKAT: OK.  
KARKAT: GIVE ME A BEAT.  
DAVE: bahahaha holy shit i am NEVER gonna get over hearing you say that  
DAVE: ok lets do this  



End file.
